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Week 3

Rebuilding Family Relationships


It's interesting how relationships shift over time. I've been thinking about my relationship with my parents lately, especially through the lens of Knapp's Relational Model. From close childhood bonds to rough patches and finally finding stable (in an agree-to-disagree-but-move-on kind of way) ground as adults, we've basically hit every stage of the model. I'm sharing this from a much better place now than I've been with it in the past, but that's growth, right?


The Early Years

Things started great - I was that kid who did everything "right." Straight A's, active in our religious community, the works. My parents were my biggest cheerleaders back then. Looking at Knapp's model, we were definitely in the Bonding Stage - lots of trust and understanding all around.

Then came college. Dating someone they didn't approve of opened my eyes to some contradictions in their beliefs and actions that I hadn't noticed before. We moved through what Knapp calls the Differentiating Stage as I started questioning things, then into Circumscribing - when you stick to safe topics to avoid arguments. When I moved away, we almost hit Termination. It was pretty rough on everyone. I found myself being the one who worked to maintain the relationship from a distance, which later led me to temporary termination of sorts. 


Finding Middle Ground

I wasn't ready to give up though. Therapy helped hugely - both in dealing with my own feelings and in understanding theirs better. I learned two big things: relationships need effort from both sides, and it's okay to step back when you're the only one trying.

Now we've double backed into what Knapp calls Relational Maintenance. It's not the same close relationship from my childhood (nor would I want it to be - it would be ignorant at this age and stage), but it's a realistic balance. I've learned to be clear about what I can give emotionally and time-wise, and I'm okay with having some limitations on how deep our relationship can go, despite how they feel about it. 


The Digital Factor

Surprisingly, texting became our friend through all this. It gave us space to share updates and show care without diving into heavy stuff. Social media helps as well, since they, as good ole' boomers do, use Facebook to share their lives, and I can stay up to date without having to reciprocate through the same channel. 


Where We Are Now

The biggest thing I've learned is that balance matters. I spent years being the only one trying to keep things going, but therapy helped me see that healthy relationships need effort from both sides. Sometimes stepping back isn't giving up - it's just taking care of yourself.

Our relationship isn't even "good" now, but I've learned to be OK with that. I see them trying more now that they're aging more, and I expect that we'll continue to bounce around in Knapp's model for years to come. Strangely, after trying so hard for so many years, I feel OK with that. 

Image:

I really loved this overview of Knapp's mode showing below. Be sure to check out the full, immersive version that walks you through each point being made.


Credit: LaPorsche Thomas via Prezi

References

Wrench, J. S., & Punyanunt-Carter, N. M. (2007). Navigating New Media Networks: Chapter 2 - Communication Competence.


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